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December 22, 2005

We’re Consenting Adults…or Are We?

I ran into my friend Meg the other day at the grocery store, and boy, was she cranky. All her Christmas shopping had put her in a really bad mood. Faced with a long list of things to buy and little enthusiasm for either the products or the prices, her “holiday” had become anything but.

Turns out, she’s not alone. Last night, while I was waiting for my daughter to finish a ballet class, one of her classmates rushed out of the session peeling her leotard off with one hand and practically pulling her hair out with the other. “I’ve spent too much money on Christmas this year,” she groaned to no one in particular, though other dancers within earshot grimly nodded their heads in agreement. The woman quickly changed into her street clothes and grabbed her purse. She had more shopping to finish.

It’s four days before Christmas and the buying frenzy continues. We are, as the saying goes, consenting adults. Why have so many of us consented to an activity that makes so many of us miserable?

It’s easy to blame the culture around us. On television, no show goes more than about twelve minutes without slinging a barrage of commercials our way urging us to buy things we never knew our loved ones needed at prices we don’t really want to pay. The radio waves are full of inane jingles promising holiday bliss if only the latest gimmick can be found peeking out of our stocking on Christmas morning. Mailboxes are stuffed with sales papers advertising more products than we even knew could cram onto a store’s shelves. Even my e-mail box screams at me when I turn on my computer: “It’s not too late! Buy now!! 25% off!!! We can still deliver!!!!”

Deliver what is what I want to know? Certainly not more happiness and less stress, two things more Americans say they want. A poll conducted by the Center for a New American Dream found that 8 out of 10 Americans feel our society’s priorities are “out of whack.” Another 8 out of 10 said they would be more satisfied with life if it were less stressful. This is particularly true at Christmas, when people don’t seem to revel in the holiday “spirit” as much as get swept away by it.

But… should we fault this culture of ours for the fact that we’ve lost track of the meaning of Christmas? Or should we level the blame exactly where it belongs: on ourselves?

We’re the ones with the power to turn outside messages on and off. To spend money or not. To play the “Christmas game” by someone else’s rules, or our own.

In other words, we can say no.

Better yet, we can say yes…to an alternative way of enjoying the holidays that involves more meaningful exchanges with our family and friends, less time spent in shopping malls, and ultimately, more time spent on activities that enrich our lives and those of our loved ones, while making the planet a better place, too.

Sound a bit Pollyanna-ish? Don’t knock it until you try it. Our friends Carol and Peter helped us rethink our approach to the holidays years ago, when they started giving us “gifts” by donating to charities in our name. Our “presents” have included a flock of chickens for a needy village in Central America and a cow for a family in Kenya. We loved the idea, and now use Charity Navigator to choose similar gifts for people on our list who clearly don’t need another toaster, microwave or iPod.

Giving memberships to organizations has become another favorite “gift” that passes from our goodie bag to someone else’s at this time of year. I’m on the board of the Alaska Wilderness League, which all year has managed to defeat the efforts of the Bush Administration to open America’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling. AWL has 10,000 members, but always needs more; gift memberships help grow the organization and connect individuals to an important cause they might otherwise overlook.

We get our kids into the act, too. Our better vision for the holidays – and our lives – needs to begin at home. When our teens ask us what we want for Christmas, we tell them we want “time” – with them. And we give them time in return. Sure, we look at their “list” – which inevitably has undesirable video games, outrageously priced clothing, and throwaway electronic gear on it. We try to pick and choose carefully so as not to offend our own sensibilities nor totally alienate them. But our priority is on finding experiences to give them that will become more meaningful to us all over the long term. By building a family history around activities rather than shopping and “stuff,” we hope we’re creating a legacy that our children will share, maybe with their peers, eventually with their own offspring and extended family circles.

It’s almost impossible to avoid the holidays. They arrive every year, and indeed, every year, the pressure to commercialize this special season seems to get worse.

But there’s a lot we can do to define the holidays for ourselves. As consenting adults, we also have the power to dissent. We can create the world we want based on our own values, ideals and goals. We can – and should – reject goals that are thrust upon us when they undermine our own.

I think I’ll go find my friend Meg and remind her that next year, she can say no.

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